second birth

days from now my sister in law will being giving birth to my nephew
I am so excited for them
I cannot wait to meet the little guy
at the same time, I talk to her and many feelings come rushing back
I think I was the more afraid before birthing my second child than any other
before the first I had no idea what to expect
I went into the birth clueless as to the amount of pain, emotion, fatigue
but as I waited for my second to be born I was not so naive
I knew what was coming
that ignorance that had been such bliss was long gone
I was terrified of having to push another baby out
I can remember having that first contraction
(and for me the first contraction in no small deal
I've always seemed to skip that nice building up part)
I panicked and rushed to the bathroom
there I sat on the toilet and wept
my husband was speechless
for my crying is about as infrequent as his speechlessness
I wept for the pain
I wept for fatigue
I wept for losing that feeling of control over my body
even though it ends up being really lovely in birth
I wept for my older child
he was losing a part of his innocence
I wept for my future which was sure to hold exhaustion
(I would have wept longer if I had known what the future held)
I wept til I could weep no more
"I don't want to do this after all" I told my husband
"I want to go home!"
and then I was done.
I went on to birth my beautiful baby girl a few hours later
oh and how blessed I am to have her
during this advent season while we wait for our new family member
I cannot help but hope that Mary had that blessed ignorance of a first birth
I hope that she had not witnessed too many mothers who cried as I did at the birth of my second
perhaps she was able to face it with hope
I'm afraid my sister in law now knows too much
she knows what is ahead and how hard it will be
but she also has the knowledge of that sweet fulfillment
holding that baby in your arm after the hard work
she has felt that tugging of the first feeding
smelled that baby breath
and seen the many many smiles
I hope that she can remember those things
it is because of them that I too was able to get up off that toilet seat
and walk back into the room and face one of the most rewarding experiences of my life